'Many Russian officials and gay politicians are married people with children who f**k young guys,’ claims gay Russian politician, ‘but they don't consider themselves gay - just men who occasionally have sex with men'
I'm a Russian official and I'm gay
Homophobia has become the official policy of the Russian state: the authorities call LGBT people extremists, police raids are carried out on gay clubs, people are imprisoned for kissing same-sex couples in public. At the same time, many homosexuals continue to work in power, who hope that they will not be affected, or themselves implement laws that violate their own rights. About why they continue to cooperate with the state, which believes that they should not be, "Holod" talked to a gay man who has been working in government for more than six years.
I was blackmailed recently.
I posted a questionnaire on a closed bulletin board for gay dating in Telegram. Of course, without a photo of the face. Some man wrote to me. I sent him a disappearing photo of my face in the secret chat. It's for me too. I sent him a dick. It's for me too.
You can't take a screenshot in a secret chat, but you can always take a picture of the screen with the camera of another phone. That's what they did to me. They found my page in "Vkontakte", where the profile says the place of my work, and wrote to me in private: "Transfer five thousand rubles, or we will send a photo of this correspondence to the electronic reception for you to work".
I swiped the chat and blocked the sender. There were no consequences. This is not the first time this has happened, so I was more or less calm. But when I first encountered blackmail - they wrote to me then that they would tell my mother that I was "fucking under the tail" - I was greatly blocked: I could not force myself to go outside for a long time.
I have been working in the civil service for more than six years, and before that my work was also related to the authorities. In my youth, when I decided to connect my life with the state, I already knew that I was gay. All this time I hide relationships with men from employers. If I'm going on vacation, I tell my colleagues that I'm going with a girl to cut off unnecessary questions.
Jacket with the letter Z
I Went To Work As An Official For Idealistic Reasons: I hoped That Something Good Could Be Done At This Job. I wanted self-realization, influence decision-making. Of course, I didn't succeed in any of this. But at least I, without any connections and from a completely ordinary family, did what for many is the limit of dreams: I built a successful official career and receive a decent salary. I worked and continue to work in middle positions in departments that deal with urban economy.
It seemed to me that in the executive branch you can hide from politics: if you, for example, are engaged in road repair in the city, then your activity does not depend much on whether Putin is your president or Yeltsin.
But it turned out, of course, that there was no hiding from politics. We are not forced to engage in pro-war agitation in social networks, to put the letter Z on our avatar - we have adequate superiors. But it's full of it. Recently I went out to have lunch in a cafe, and there is an official, about whom I know that he is gay, together with a young guy. The guy is wearing Balenciaga sneakers, the official is wearing a jacket with a huge badge in the form of the letter Z on the entire lapel.
They don't seem to be affected
I have a lot of gay friends who work in the authorities. Sometimes you come to a gay club and see a colleague. And then you meet him in a working environment, and the person pretends that nothing happened.
In general, I notice that gays are the most fucked up in support of the war. I notice it - and I'm disgusted.
There are also federal politicians among my gay acquaintances. In recent years, I have often asked them questions about how they put up with homophobia at the state level and why they remain in their positions. I ask one of my friends, and he says to me: "What about? Nothing has changed." And I think: "Well, of course, you and your boyfriend both went on vacation and are going. The fact that gay clubs have closed - you have never been there before. You don't feel all these limitations, because you are initially people, firstly, closed, secondly, privileged."
Many Russian officials and gay politicians are married people with children who fuck young guys. But they don't consider themselves gay - just men who occasionally have sex with men. And since they are not gay, all homophobic laws do not apply to them.
So, perhaps, this savagery and obsession with the promotion of homophobic values on the part of people working in the civil service is the behavior of those who have not really fully understood their orientation.
Officials are people whose lives are already a huge number of restrictions. They live by these restrictions. For example, like everyone else, I regularly submit not only income declarations, but also reports on all my pages in social networks (since 2017, Russian civil servants are obliged to provide the management with links to all their pages. - Note. "Cold"). And I haven't written for a long time, I can only post the view from the window or the beautiful sunset, because God forbid.
And it seems to me that that's why gays in the authorities do not consider all these homophobic prohibitions a problem. They were not deprived of anything, because they initially had no freedom. An official is a public face, and homosexuality in our homophobic country has always been stigmatized. You couldn't be an openly gay in power in the 2000s or 2010s. Politicians haven't really been on dating sites anyway, they're not regulars of gay clubs. They are already used to it.
I don't like it when they get into their underpants
On the one hand, I'm used to it myself. I was not touched much by the bans either: well, they blocked the site of one sex shop for gays that I used.
I generally consider myself a statesman. I used to be calm about what was happening in the country, although I saw a growing mess. But even in two years I became completely uncomfortable, and in recent months I think about the need to either change jobs or emigrate. Although little has changed from the point of view of household comfort, it has become psychologically harder.
I don't like it when they get into my underwear. I'm not a fan of gay clubs, noisy companies, but I want to be able to go there. When I'm deprived of it, I feel uncomfortable. Okay, I also live in a city with a million inhabitants: there are a lot of people, there is always a place to talk, drink, and fuck. But I come from a small town. I can't imagine: in the current conditions, when all sites where there is at least some information about homosexuality are blocked, what to do to those children from the province who are just wondering about their own sexuality?
But I started thinking about quitting this job not after the adoption of homophobic laws, but after the presidential election. Although I've been boiling all this shit for more than 10 years, but these elections were the first, when there was no observation, nothing. Do whatever you want.
I worked in the election commission for the first time. I didn't vote for Putin myself, I took the ballot with me. But I was sure that among the people around me, the number of those who support Putin is so great that it will be easy to ensure his result in the elections. But it turned out that everything was wrong. At my polling station, less than 50% voted for him. The chairman of the commission drew the rest: he rewrote the protocol.
It seemed to me that the people were suffering completely from victory. It turned out that only half. But to pretend that there are a lot of them, the system is ready to do anything. This hopelessness - when a significant part of people have a request for change, but the system grinds this request - has made me.
I myself did not participate in the falsification. It just didn't bother me. Probably, this is where the ethical line passes for me. Despite the internal conflict, I think I could work all my life in the service of a homophobic state - provided that I do not have to participate in something homophobic myself.
Youth passes
After the start of the war, one of my gay friends started doing sports six days a week so that there was no time to think about anything. It feels like people around me started drinking and using drugs more. Whenever there is an external threat, you choose something important, and try not to notice the rest. I'm trying to focus my life around personal happiness. When I had a constant relationship, I lived entirely in it and I didn't care what happened.
Among the men with whom I built relationships, there were people whose degree of participation in public policy is much greater than mine. Even those who contributed to the emergence of homophobic laws. But it didn't bother me. Because you fall in love with people not only because of the values they share. I also dated a man who was married, cheated on his wife - it's probably wrong too, but it's life. There is an internal conflict, but we live here and now.
My friends tell me: "We need to quit the civil service, chop the whole tail." But it's very hard: I spent 10 years of my life building this career. Recently, I tried to look for a job outside the public sector, but I didn't find anything suitable. I feel like I'm in some kind of swamp from which I can't get out. And youth passes. I don't want to become so two-faced after 10 years: go to a cafe with the boys, and then sit and talk about zet-fascism with a smart look. You either don't fuck, or take off the cross.
Yes, I'm uncomfortable, yes, I have an ethical conflict. But they don't really expect me abroad. Nobody fucking needs a Putin official in Europe. I drove myself into this trap and I'm trying to get out of it so that my leg doesn't crush me.